This weekend I picked up Biggest Loser Season 5 winner Ali Vincent’s memoir about her experience leading up to and including her time on the show. It’s called Believe It, Be It, and that mantra was actually the one she adopted as she gave it everything she had to win the contest that season. Not only was she the show’s first female winner, but also she thought she had been sent home for good at one point yet still kept the faith and went at her workouts with dedication and intensity.
I really empathize with Ali as she describes what it felt like to totally “lose herself,” a feeling which both led to and then was perpetuated by her increasing weight through her late teens and twenties. I don’t know if I ever really had myself in the first place, but I definitely relate to the sensation of feeling like you are just drifting through life, letting it happen to you, trying to just get by and protect yourself.
I got a lot of pleasure out of reading about how she reconnected with family members and some close friends as she worked to drop the weight and live more purposefully. For a long time I have felt pretty disconnected from almost everyone but M, and that is pretty much all my doing. Ali touches a little on her reasons for disconnecting, such as not wanting people she loved to see her feeling so lost and call her on her BS. What I think is great is how some of her relationships changed but were strengthened as the family member or friend was able to become part of her life transformation. She included them, and most of them seemed to really rise to the occasion.
When will I open up and give relationships (besides the one I have with my boyfriend) a try? What is holding me back? Everyone wants to feel human connection, right? Why do I hang back and not make the effort?
I don’t know exactly, but somehow I think the root of it all is fear.
Ali’s philosophy is that if you believe you can become the person you were always meant to be, then you can manifest that belief, you can be that person if you keep the faith.
Do I believe I can abandon my fear and my protective, isolating outer layer? Can I be a strong woman?
I remember being a little girl, telling my grandfather (who once published a novel) that I too wanted to be a writer. I did want it, with all my heart. He smiled his wonderful smile and said to me, “But wouldn’t you rather be happy?”
He was referring to the heartache and the blood, sweat, and tears it takes to be an artist of any kind . . . but the truth is, the only thing guaranteed to make me unhappy was not doing something I truly cared about. For years and years I have felt so incredibly far away from that girl who knew what she wanted to be. By shedding this excess weight, part of me is hoping I’ll strip away all my preconceptions about what I should be doing with my life and get back to what actually has meaning for me.
30. November 2009 at 12:22 AM
“I don’t know if I ever really had myself in the first place…” I can very much relate to that statement. I, too, felt that I drifted through my 20s and 30s, sort of waiting to see what would happen next. It was losing 50 pounds when I was 43 that brought me back to me and even though I’ve regained some of that weight I haven’t lost me…it has only deepened my relationship with myself. One of the most valuable things I have gained is self trust…not needing anyone else’s approval or validation. You’ll get there too. It’s partly weight loss and self confidence that comes with it, and it’s partly something that comes with age.
30. November 2009 at 3:02 PM
Karen: I’ve enjoyed reading your blog for quite some time now, partly because you address some of these intangibles that inevitably arise when we are grappling with weight issues.
30. November 2009 at 12:34 AM
What a true, honest blog you wrote!! I totally understand where you’re coming from. I too don’t know if I did either. I also know that I too find it easier to just avoid/disassociate from situations and stick with my inner group because they understand the isolation I create. Very moving post!! I know you are well on the way to finding you and I too am on that path right behind you. Together we all will find the true us.
30. November 2009 at 3:03 PM
Hi Terri! Thank you for the encouragement :). I wish you too the best of luck in finding your “real self.”
30. November 2009 at 12:57 AM
Found you through Twitter – we have the same goal! (though I am doubting that 125 after this holiday weekend.)
Just favorited you – thanks for the inspiration.
30. November 2009 at 3:03 PM
Hi there, Rebecca! I’m so glad you stopped by. Don’t give up on the goal ;).
30. November 2009 at 10:16 PM
First I have to say YOU LOOK WONDERUL, BEAUTIFUL and HAPPY! I love it!
Your “tiny glow” is super inspiring to me, you have no idea!
Now I am going to have to find Ali’s book I know th eniute I saw the cover it would be great.
Keep it up you are FABULOUS!
XO
p.s. here are a few more !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! because I can’t stop hitting that key, lol. You just have me so dang excited for you!!!!!!!!
2. December 2009 at 11:46 AM
Aw Shannon, I adore you and your exclamation points ;) !!
Your comment totally brought a smile to my face.
30. November 2009 at 10:22 PM
And p.s.s. I know I commented on the wrong post and cannot spell correctly half of the time. I was thinking I was on the cards post. Hopefully by now you know I am a bit crazy! Anyway I love how you describe the way you relate to Ali. I wonder how many of us feel the same.
It is really exciting to think of what may be once the weight is gone. The opportunities that will open up and more. It is also a little scary because of the unknown.
Either way well worth the journey and the struggle to get there.
Very good post.
So now I am done over commenting on your lovely blog :)
1. December 2009 at 2:35 PM
Wow, this book sounds like something I need to pick up and read immediately! I too completely relate to your statement “I don’t know if I ever really had myself in the first place…” This is how I feel daily. I felt much more confident and connected to people when I was in high school, which is weird. Most people I know seem to grow more confident as they grow older, but I feel like I have lost all my confidence. I totally relate to not opening up to people. I don’t either. I don’t know what my issue is, other than fear. I know that’s a lot of it. Once again reading your blog I feel like you have jumped inside my brain. Our stories seem to be so similar in so many ways.
2. December 2009 at 11:48 AM
Janie, let me know what you think of the book if you do pick it up. It doesn’t give advice about how many calories to eat or the specifics of all of her workouts, but in my mind it offers something equally (if not more) important: a taste of the “inner journey” of this whole weight-loss thing. For me personally, I could relate to a lot of the emotions Ali describes. She gained so much confidence, I hope and pray that we can do the same!