Last night everything felt pointless, boring, and tedious. Life felt devoid of purpose. I wanted a giant cupcake really badly because my emotions felt so intense and throughout my life I guess I got really used to soothing myself in such a way. It felt horrible not going to my old go-to, you know? I was a wreck and I thank the powers that be for M talking with me and doing a lot of listening, while I ranted and spewed all the negative thoughts that were in my head out into the open. Perhaps it was the dreary rain outside, or maybe any number of other factors were at work . . . all I know is, I wanted so very much to absolve myself of sticking to my plan. I was so over it. I just wanted escape from my extreme emotional discomfort. I was crawling out of my skin.
But like a storm, I blew myself out eventually. After a while, we went and got vanilla cones at McDonald’s (150 calories) and came home and I sat on the couch with the Bean on my lap and ate my vanilla cone, and when I had finished I was just so tired. It was time to call it a night and hope for a better tomorrow.
Which today has been! I woke up at 8 AM, ate breakfast, did my SparkPeople 15-minute abs video, and headed to the gym to do my 30 minutes of cardio and meet up with a co-worker who taught me how to do some free weights and mat exercises. I rarely interact with the outside world on the weekend aside from necessary errands, so for me, meeting up with someone to work out is real progress.
Also progress: getting more familiar with the weights area of the gym. Having someone there with me made me feel less like an intruder, and I came home from the workout feeling great. I went to Borders with M and picked up a few magazines, and then we came home and walked the Bean at a leisurely pace in the neighborhood. The sun was out, I felt the simple blessing of life on me, and my faith in the passing nature of the bad nights on this journey was reaffirmed.
Which is not to make light of the bad nights. They are very real and very painful. But they pass and if I make it through without doing anything major to spite myself or anyone else, I am so glad.
Although I hadn’t planned to take another progress photo until I lost 7 more pounds, I was inspired today and decided to go for it a few weeks early:
16. January 2010 at 5:13 PM
You are looking fantastic!!
16. January 2010 at 5:14 PM
You’re doing great!! It’s so funny how we finally get to a place of just allowing those feelings to be even though when we’re in the midst of them it feels hopeless.
16. January 2010 at 5:55 PM
Looking good Hillary!
16. January 2010 at 5:59 PM
Wow, you can really tell a big difference between the two pictures. You’re looking great! Congrats!
16. January 2010 at 6:32 PM
Hillary, WOW, you look great! Just being a few pounds lighter makes me feel lighter in my step so I can imagine how good you feel being 33 lbs. down. WOOHOO!
16. January 2010 at 8:43 PM
wow, you are doing great! nice work :)
sorry you had a bad night but good for you for not letting it derail your hard work.
16. January 2010 at 9:49 PM
Congratulations on your progress! Those are very impressive pictures :)
16. January 2010 at 10:00 PM
I am so happy for you! You look wonderful! Keep up your awesome work! :)
16. January 2010 at 11:00 PM
You look great :)
17. January 2010 at 7:23 AM
I cannot believe the transformation you have undergone already. You look fantastic!!!
I know some days can be really tough. I’m very proud of you for plugging through and getting your workouts in. There’s nothing like going to Borders to cheer up, huh? That place always puts me in an excellent mood.
Hang in there girl, you’re doing so good. And you motivate me more than you know. :)
17. January 2010 at 8:08 AM
Holy &#$*&%!!!
You look incredible. And you’re such a good inspiration for me, ’cause I’m a wee lass as well (5’1″). The thing that sucks about being short is that everyone can easily see every freakin’ pound we gain.
The thing that’s awesome about being short? When we get our asses in gear and start losing, it’s equally obvious. Really, Hilary, you look phenomenal! Wow!
17. January 2010 at 1:17 PM
Thank you so much for all the incredibly nice comments . . . you know, when I looked at that photo (the 170 lbs pic), it was really the first time I could honestly say to my tends-to-be-critical self, “Wow, there really is a big difference.” It was a great feeling :).
17. January 2010 at 6:54 PM
I am SO happy for you! I didn’t realize you had a blog again! You sure sound like all the pieces have come together this time and you’re doing it the right way for you. No square peg into a round hole this time, congratulations!
I’m grinning from ear to ear here, I really am SO proud of you and happy for you that you’re doing what you want and what is right for you!
17. January 2010 at 7:00 PM
Can it be?! Is it my own dear super-fabulous Shanny from Canada? Hooray! Yes, I have had quite a few attempts at blogging and weight loss since 2007 (gah, time flies) but this one really is sticking! Thank you so much for the props—they mean a ton coming from you :).
17. January 2010 at 7:54 PM
Tis me! Can it really be since 2007??? Holy smokes!
Ya, you have it this time. Making a plan that fits your life the way you actually live it and then adding in minor revisions/additions as you are ready and comfortable for them.
So glad you’re working through the emotions as well because when all the stars are aligned and you have everything you need to succeed and are doing so, you end up changing a bit of who you are as well as what you look like.
Learning to cope and make do with who you are is just as important as what you put in your mouth. Remember, sometimes just good enough truly is Good Enough!
Again, so proud of you!
17. January 2010 at 10:51 PM
WOW Hilary, look at the transformation! you go girl. Congratulations !!!
18. January 2010 at 11:19 AM
You look amazing!!! I can see a difference everywhere! Wow, I’m so proud of you:):):)
This is a great blog entry too, I sort of had a similar situation on Saturday, but I didn’t allow myself to binge. Sunday I woke up feeling great and was really productive. You’re absolutely right, if you can get through the bad nights without too much damage that is really something to be proud of!
18. January 2010 at 1:15 PM
You look amazing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yeah they are back ;) See you needed to do this. What an inpspiration you are Hilary I just think you are AWESOME! I see your progress and think I can do that, I can be like Hilary if I just stick it out!
What a great person to follow, you are doing it and should feel like a million bucks!!!!
XO
18. January 2010 at 1:35 PM
Wow, night and day is right. You’re looking amazing! And way to talk through your emotions instead of eating through them, and a 150 calorie cone is a very reasonable treat. I found that if I feel the need to incessantly eat, I go grab a big bag of baby carrots or other veggies – lately it doesn’t seem to be the WHAT that matters, it’s the shoving-food-in-my-face thing. Which in and of itself is not good, but hey, might as well use the opportunity to bulk up on my veggie consumption!
19. January 2010 at 6:02 AM
Smaller! Everywhere! I wish I had the guts to post photos too ..maybe you will inspire me.