I’m a satisfied customer! After striking out at Kohl’s, I found two new shirts and pairs of pants for work at The Limited and New York & Co., respectively. This shopping outing was both a mini-reward for hitting 35 lbs lost and, let’s face it, sorely needed. My previous go-to work outfits were drooping all over the place, which is just not how you want to go through life.

Trying on clothes in unfortunately lit fitting rooms can be an uncomfortable revelation. I was reminded that I still have plenty of solid effort ahead of me to get down to the healthy, fit body I want. At the same time, I am wearing a size 14 in most pants and an XL in regular stores’ shirts; this is down from an 18/20 in pants and shirts at plus-size stores or a “Women’s” 2X at stores like Old Navy. I am making plenty of progress, and at the same time, I recognize that I still have lots more distance to cover.

Having some new clothes, ones that actually fit me, helps me enjoy the journey a little more!

The photo is not very clear but the necklace is cute as hell and I love it.

]]> http://www.tinyglow.com/2010/01/12/strawberry-reward/feed/ 12 http://www.tinyglow.com/2009/11/29/believe-it/ http://www.tinyglow.com/2009/11/29/believe-it/#comments Mon, 30 Nov 2009 00:13:39 +0000 Hilary @ Tiny Glow http://tinyglow.com/?p=148 This weekend I picked up Biggest Loser Season 5 winner Ali Vincent’s memoir about her experience leading up to and including her time on the show. It’s called Believe It, Be It, and that mantra was actually the one she adopted as she gave it everything she had to win the contest that season. Not only was she the show’s first female winner, but also she thought she had been sent home for good at one point yet still kept the faith and went at her workouts with dedication and intensity.

I really empathize with Ali as she describes what it felt like to totally “lose herself,” a feeling which both led to and then was perpetuated by her increasing weight through her late teens and twenties. I don’t know if I ever really had myself in the first place, but I definitely relate to the sensation of feeling like you are just drifting through life, letting it happen to you, trying to just get by and protect yourself.

I got a lot of pleasure out of reading about how she reconnected with family members and some close friends as she worked to drop the weight and live more purposefully. For a long time I have felt pretty disconnected from almost everyone but M, and that is pretty much all my doing. Ali touches a little on her reasons for disconnecting, such as not wanting people she loved to see her feeling so lost and call her on her BS. What I think is great is how some of her relationships changed but were strengthened as the family member or friend was able to become part of her life transformation. She included them, and most of them seemed to really rise to the occasion.

When will I open up and give relationships (besides the one I have with my boyfriend) a try? What is holding me back? Everyone wants to feel human connection, right? Why do I hang back and not make the effort?

I don’t know exactly, but somehow I think the root of it all is fear.

Ali’s philosophy is that if you believe you can become the person you were always meant to be, then you can manifest that belief, you can be that person if you keep the faith.

Do I believe I can abandon my fear and my protective, isolating outer layer? Can I be a strong woman?

I remember being a little girl, telling my grandfather (who once published a novel) that I too wanted to be a writer. I did want it, with all my heart. He smiled his wonderful smile and said to me, “But wouldn’t you rather be happy?”

He was referring to the heartache and the blood, sweat, and tears it takes to be an artist of any kind . . . but the truth is, the only thing guaranteed to make me unhappy was not doing something I truly cared about. For years and years I have felt so incredibly far away from that girl who knew what she wanted to be. By shedding this excess weight, part of me is hoping I’ll strip away all my preconceptions about what I should be doing with my life and get back to what actually has meaning for me.

Yesterday I felt decidedly blah, in part because my face hurt like hell for no particular reason . . . apparently I had an allergic reaction to something—I have pretty sensitive skin. I sat around the house all day feeling hyper-aware of my stinging skin, holding an ice pack to it to take the edge off the discomfort. Despite being grumpy and irritated about my face, I didn’t particularly feel like overeating or going off-plan. It’s nice that little annoying things like a blotchy face don’t have me immediately reaching for the sweets the way they would have a month or two ago.

Halloween passed as barely a blip on the radar, and I felt pretty serene about that. I don’t know why, but the candy that goes along with that day didn’t have as big a pull on me this year; in fact, I didn’t eat a single piece of fun-size (or full-size) anything this year. I could have planned for it in my calorie budget, but it just didn’t seem that important. I’ll be treating Thanksgiving and Christmas Days differently, as I’ve already mentioned, but Halloween just didn’t seem as food-special to me.

I would love to be in the low-180s by the end of November (tomorrow is my first weigh-in day of the month). I am tired of being so heavy. Plus I know I can do this, I’ve proven it to myself during the last month and a half. There is no reason for me to live an obese life any longer.

Sometimes I wonder if getting thinner will provoke changes in other areas of my life—career or social activities for instance. I really don’t know, but I guess I’ll just have to have courage and find out.

In other lunchtime workout news, today’s was a Tired Workout. That’s the kind where you really have to mentally prod yourself to put in your allotted time. I was on the elliptical, doing my thing and listening to my music (a tasteful potpourri of Cameo, Cut Copy, and Prince), but I didn’t feel into it. That’s okay, I cranked out my 30 minutes and that’s another 270 calories burned.

Sometimes I need to remind myself: You don’t have to be into it all the time, every day; you just have to do it.

I’m looking forward to the holidays. It’s weird because I went through quite a grinch phase for a good number of years. But now I’m quietly happily brewing holiday thoughts. Maybe it’s because I finally have a small dog to torment with Santa outfits and other alarming couture this year—bwahahaha!

I am trying not to get obsessive about losing X amount of weight by X date, but I had mentally set a mini-goal to get down to 175 lbs by New Year’s Day. I could still make that happen, but last week’s 1-lb loss (as opposed to 2 lbs or even 1.5 lbs) was a little smaller than I will need most weeks to beat that challenge successfully.

Even if my weight isn’t quite down to 175 lbs on New Year’s Day, I can’t wait to start 2010 having left the uncertain 180s behind! It’s just this thing I have, see.

How are you doing? Do you have any official or unofficial goals to accomplish during this last part of 2009?